No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought? --P….

Senescence begins And middle-age ends The day your descendants Outnumber your friends.

'Come out' is so funny to me because I've never been in..

There are three natural anaesthetics: Sleep, fainting, and death..

Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache..

No man is greater than his respect for sleep..

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker..

Disneyland is such a big thing to Californians, I discovered that when you cross the border you have to raise your right hand and take an oath that y….

The weasel under the cocktail cabinet..

If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim..

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin..

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him..

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!"..

To be happy in this world, especially when youth is past, it is necessary to feel oneself not merely an isolated individual whose day will soon be ov….

Truth, after all, wears a different face to everybody, and it would be too tedious to wait till all were agreed..

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly..

Money doesn't talk, it swears..

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear….

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company..

When all else fails, look cute..

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified..