I had to wait 110 years to become famous. I wanted to enjoy it as long as possible..

When you leave college, there are thousands of people out there with the same degree you have; when you get a job, there will be thousands of people ….

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!".

Fascism was really the basis for the New Deal..

Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small..

The impulse to travel is one of the hopeful symptoms of life..

Please assure me that you are all Republicans..

For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors and laugh at them in our turn?.

Nothing interferes with my concentration. You could put on an orgy in my office and I wouldn't look up. Well, maybe once..

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they..

'Tis a good thing to laugh at any rate; and if a straw can tickle a man, it is an instrument of happiness..

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's….

I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers..

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge.

If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, 'You are wrong.' This method works every time..

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening..

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to st….

Better a bald head than none at all..

Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball str….

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the….

[W]ithout humour you cannot run a sweetie-shop, let alone a nation..