You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the….

[W]ithout humour you cannot run a sweetie-shop, let alone a nation..

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look..

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it..

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother..

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful..

There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I'll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things….

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others..

There is a foolish corner in the brain of the wisest man..

I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!'.

The Schnauzer listens to jazz. I listen to jazz because he likes it, and I have even gone to jazz concerts with him, but truthfully I would rather li….

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true..

History shows that when the taxes of a nation approach about 20 percent of the people's income, there begins to be a lack of respect for government..….

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'.

The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means..

On his teenage son: To be honest, I'm not sure the same kid comes home each night..

Bats have no bankers and they do not drink and cannot be arrested and pay no tax and, in general, bats have it made..

I am one of the unpraised, unrewarded millions without whom Statistics would be a bankrupt science. It is we who are born, who marry, who die, in con….

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!.

They've done away with those committees. That shows the success of what the Soviets were able to do in this country..

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces..