Poetry is one of the few nasty childhood habits I've managed to grow out of.

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first….

We worship not the Graces, nor the Parcae, but Fashion. She spins and weaves and cuts with full authority. The head monkey at Paris puts on a travele….

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks..

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I jus….

Laughing, how can you fall asleep? It brings a state of no-mind and no-thought, and does not allow you to fall asleep..

The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it..

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish….

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on..

I am far from sure when I am acting and when I am not or, should I more frankly put it, when I am lying and when I am not. For what is acting but lyi….

I could be happy doing something like architecture. It would involve another couple of years of graduate school, but that's what I studied in college….

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo..

My mental hands were empty, and I felt I must do something as a counterirritant or antibody to my hysterical alarm at getting married at the age of 4….

If I didn't kick his ass every day? he wouldn't be worth anything..

Life itself still remains a very effective therapist..

No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions; he had money as well..

We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries..

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door..

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!.

If a journalist shows a facility for praise he's liable to be offered a job in public relations or advertising and the next thing you know he's got a….

I think things are funny when the character is taking it totally seriously..