Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down..

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be ….

When I graduated from Santa Monica High in 1927, I was voted the girl most likely to succeed. I didn't realize it would take so long..

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push..

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up..

Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god..

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs..

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west..

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it..

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy..

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the h….

College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil..

This is a good look. I'm gonna mess him up," Pattinson praises Stewart. "And I'm just like, I don't know what's going on? Where am I? I just walked o….

If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism..

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!.

No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it..

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied..

The first condition of understanding a foreign country is to smell it..

When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.'.

Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars..