I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough"..

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders..

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese..

When I consider that the noble animals have been exterminated here - the cougar, panther, lynx, wolverine, wolf, bear, moose, deer, the beaver, the t….

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy..

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the posit….

Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther..

in china when you're one in a million, there are 1300 people just like you.

Japan is our rival, not our enemy. Japan is a competitor... Bashing a Toyota won't make a better car..

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the gu….

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows..

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel..

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood..

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire..

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated..

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't giv….

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident..

At the finish, it was all over.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but ….

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accide….

Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time..