A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say..

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer..

Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine..

He who desires nothing, hopes for nothing, and is afraid of nothing, cannot be an artist..

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot..

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street.

If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days..

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a….

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk t….

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities..

Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, r….

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people..

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead..

Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform..

I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it..

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most like….

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ru….

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights..

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with..

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats..