I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself..

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it"..

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo..

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution..

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to..

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out"..

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth..

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history..

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper..

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!.

Laws and institutions, like clocks, must occasionally be cleaned, wound up, and set to true time..

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough..

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday..

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud..

If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long eno….

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what,….

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up..