I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I te….

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster..

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend..

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies..

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody..

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled th….

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all..

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!.

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons..

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question..

Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating..

Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is..

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing ….

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity..

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know..

A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love..

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962..

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing..

My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust ….

The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have..

He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot. He that dare not is a slave..