The state of life is most happy where superfluities are not required and necessities are not wanting..

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't..

I think I am about 5 for 500 when it comes to successful ideas vs flops..

Judges don't age. Time decorates them..

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up..

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald"..

Aping what you've already done is just so dangerous and unrewarding..

Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?.

I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?.

I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet..

This island is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time..

Figure out what to do, then take a nap..

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tel….

New York has always been going to hell but somehow it never gets there..

Boys in their twenties are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they're immature. I feel like I have a better shot with some….

I have the street smarts and survival skills of, like, a poodle..

Music has been my playmate, my lover, and my crying towel..

Now, because he knows that his economic theories don't work, he's been spending these last few days calling me every name in the book. Lately he's ca….

Save your rejections so that later when you are famous you can show them to people and laugh..

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other..

You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war [in Iraq]. They've got all these new toys and they want to know whether they work or not..