The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev..

Comedy is acting out optimism..

It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, "Welcome to Ferguson. Beware of the Dog." The all-night drugs….

I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine..

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets..

Every man dies. Not every man truly lives..

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'.

The early bird may get the worm, but its the second mouse that gets the cheese..

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong..

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else..

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home ear….

This shed does not contain me..

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks..

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I fi….

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror..

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares o….

I do not know how to distinguish between waking life and a dream. Are we not always living the life that we imagine we are?.

Children when they ask you why your mama so funny say she is a poet she don't have no sense.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby..

In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead..