His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings..

There’s always an article coming out, saying, ‘The new thing is funny women!’.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going..

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction..

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions..

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed..

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grand….

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron..

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days..

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing..

I'm here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures..

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them..

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's ….

Look at your watch now. You're still a super hot female..

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . ..

I never wanted to go on stage alone because if you mess up, who can you blame?.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters t….

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber..

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you..

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance..

Make money your god, and it will plague you like the devil..