Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning..

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it..

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!".

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer..

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey..

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it..

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier..

It's tough to get out of bed to do roadwork at 5 am when you've been sleeping in silk pajamas.

Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole!.

Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level..

She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts..

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money..

The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything..

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'.

He [Chris Martin] can't have background music on. It has to be 100 percent of his attention. But if he isn't at home, I turn on the hip-hop. I'm like….

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'..

Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation..

A great way to learn about your country is to leave it..

There cannot be good living where there is not good drinking..

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congres….

My rackets are run on strictly American lines and they're going to stay that way..