While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window..

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just….

All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money..

Three fishers went sailing away to the west,/ Away to the west as the sun went down..

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito..

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized..

Biography lends to death a new terror..

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it..

Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-wi….

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital..

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death..

Situated in some nebulous distance I do what I do so that the universal balance of which I am a part may remain a balance..

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it..

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network..

We only need to wear shoes because the British built roads which hurt our feet..

I believe the term "blog" means more than an online journal. I believe a blog is a conversation. People go to blogs to read AND write, not just consu….

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it l….

It's funny, I never considered that people are going to see me on the show and maybe stop me on the subway..

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion..

I want to go to Egypt and Japan and open orphanages... a chain of them..

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else..