The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a pi….

So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Gues….

But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be..

When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin. I wonder would they know it was me?.

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter..

I'm at a very frustrating point in my career because I'm not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you're in movies or TV, you're rich. I'm not ….

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-….

During the rests - pray..

Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?.

Life is so unlike theory..

Golf, like measles, should be caught young..

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe..

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you..

A hooker once told me she had a headache..

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?.

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 ite….

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer.".

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot..

Quebec from the boat looked like the ramparts where Hamlet's ghost might have walked..

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!.

Communism is like one big phone company..