Quotes on Humorous

There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter.

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Nirvana is not the blowing out of the candle. It is the extinguishing of the flame because day is come.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

We worship not the Graces, nor the Parcae, but Fashion. She spins and weaves and cuts with full authority. The head monkey at Paris puts on a traveler's cap, and all the monkeys in America do the same.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.

If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read-

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.

Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.