My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried..

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!".

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in..

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop..

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle..

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement..

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food..

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room..

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!".

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install….

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill..

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinne….

The more I think of you, the less I think of you..

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous..

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess..

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer..

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying..

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex..

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable..