Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes..

It is commonly believed that anyone who tabulates numbers is a statistician. This is like believing that anyone who owns a scalpel is a surgeon..

Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if….

Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer..

We worship not the Graces, nor the Parcae, but Fashion. She spins and weaves and cuts with full authority. The head monkey at Paris puts on a travele….

Considering that "literary fiction" is a sub-genre that's not quite the same as "literature," either, it follows that the short, semi-humorous bits p….

You sit back in the darkness, nursing your beer, breathing in that ineffable aroma of the old-time saloon: dark wood, spilled beer, good cigars, and ….

A fine horse or a beautiful woman, I cannot look at them unmoved, even now when seventy winters have chilled my blood..

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to..

I have often been downcast, but never in despair; I regard our hiding as a dangerous adventure, romantic and interesting at the same time. In my diar….

After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings..

... still his philanthropy was of that gunpowderous sort that the difference between it and animosity was hard to determine..

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ru….

I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it..

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar..

People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it..

I'm really interested in the link between creativity and humor because humor is a type of creativity, and I do think that humorous people and humorou….

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?.

[My brother] lived in a dry gulch where the world of socks and shoes became extremely fascinating, and he felt that everyone needs a good pair of soc….

The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished..

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain..